Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
