i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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