life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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