It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
