So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
