I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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