Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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