I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
