Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
