my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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