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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i will never coherently bang her
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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