At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
