my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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