In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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