remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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