i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
