I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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