well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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