I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
