No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
