We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Two words: blizzard sex
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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