I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
