i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We just shotgunned beers for America
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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