so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Randomize
