Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
