I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
