She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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