This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
