You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
