i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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