Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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