Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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