Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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