every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
