she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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