I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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