so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
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Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
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I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just had sex on a roof
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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