White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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