i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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