genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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