you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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