Will you blow on my dice?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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