my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
