Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
