I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
