if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
