omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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