Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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