She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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