and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
