Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
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I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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