I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
