I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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