Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Randomize
