And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
