Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
