I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
